Chaplaincy

The final requirement for my master’s degree was to work in a clinical setting for eleven weeks as a chaplain intern.  Entering into a hospital setting just four months after my mom’s passing filled me with anxiety, uncertainty and trepidation; but, I needed to complete the requirement if I wanted to move forward with my future goals.  I was carrying with me grief, sadness, exhaustion and doubt; and I worried about how I was going to navigate an environment that houses tremendous suffering in the midst of my own sorrow and dark night.  The journey of CPE is a cyclical process of patient care, reflection, writing, round table discussion, insights returning back to patient care.  We spent a significant portion of time processing the experience and confronting personal presuppositions, theological assumptions and internal responses.  Questions of theodicy are theory for some, a much more significant reality for others.  On life’s continuum there is no rhyme or reason why it appears that some individuals skate through life with only minor challenges; and others seem to repeatedly face the effects of evil on an exponential scale.  A hospital setting is the great leveler and suffering is the great equalizer.      

Several individuals who know me well have watched as I wrestled with the pain and fall out of years of repressed trauma.  During this season I have examined everything I have ever believed including the question, is God a sadistic sovereign intentionally ‘allowing’ evil for some broader purpose that we can’t or won’t see; or is God a benevolent being that loves humanity with every microcosm of its existence?  A Divine being whose passion is so far beyond the limits of human comprehension, and whose mercy, grace and kindness drives it to its ‘metaphorical’ knees in sorrow and tears over the pain that humanity is suffering under?   Working as a chaplain is demanding; as if it is not enough to carry your own personal pain; you sit across from patients at their most vulnerable.  Watching their suffering can be agonizing at times.  Stories of premature baby’s deaths or sitting in the suffering of a thirty-four year old mother of six; as she faces stage four cancers, even after surviving a life as the daughter of an addicted mother turn prostitute, breaks one’s heart into a million little pieces.  There is NOTHING fair about this life.  The randomness in which its horror visits sometimes feels like it wants to overcome and swallow up any vestige of hope. 

Questions of how I was to present the love of God in the midst of that kind of pain – a love of God I’m unsure of, filled many reflections.  Theological questions born out of difficult encounters led to even more complicated inquiries.  After one particular encounter with a schizophrenic gentleman, I asked who God is to the mentally ill.  Questions of whether or not they may be prophets among us filled my mind.  Do they see and experience life normally or are we the delusion?  This seems reasonable to ask when looking at the various prophets and the extremes they took to bring what we define as God’s message to Israel.  If they were walking among us today, there is little doubt that they would be the marginalized; the homeless, the poor, the weird and untamed; the people that challenge our well maintained constructs.  How can we incorporate them in the Body when as an institution we struggle to accept those who are defined as ‘normal’, but who challenge its theological ‘norms’ – i.e.: women, singles, and the L.G.B.T. community?  How do we answer Christ’s call not to forget those who are in ‘prison’?  That is what mental illness is – a prison of the mind that in some situations has little hope of freedom. 

Christian scripture declares God to be the absolute solution to human suffering.  The question - how is that manifest?  Some promise that it comes through the supernatural, if only we believe.  Others say it’s a far off reality at the end of the age.  While sitting as a chaplain I was confronted by theologies that were a mixed bag of suspicion and contradiction; I listened to scriptures twisted into excuses or used as weapons binding individuals into an ‘I should’ prison.  I sat with people who wept because they were too sick to attend church; and others, to spite their suffering, who were grateful for each moment of life.  At the end of eleven weeks a few beliefs have begun to re-emerge; the first being the significance and inherent beauty of humanity; and the amazing reality that each individual person is created in God’s image (the imago Dei). 

No one person spoke louder to this reality than Mrs. L. and I fell in love with that woman during our numerous visits.  She is a beautiful, strong and powerful woman although her frail and failing state deceives the eye.  She shared her story of raising three children as a single Hispanic woman in the seventies; one of two women who owned her own business in the largely male dominated field of boxing; and who was transfused with tainted blood that brought on a lifetime of illness.  I sat with this woman in her piercing vulnerability as the nurse cleaned her; she serenaded me with a Mexican ballad; and even when she had little to no strength she gave me the gift of her unconditional love and acceptance by blowing me a kiss.  She is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and not because of an external aesthetic; but because life’s light shone bright from deep from within her soul.   The second conclusion - life is the most precious of gifts.  Watching an individual grasp for each breath can reveal two realities – one that we are biological beings who ‘need’ air, but there is a spiritual aspect to that as well.  Every breathe we take is a gift that should be honored and appreciated because we never know which one will be our last.

I have not drawn any conclusion to the problem of pain; nor have I reconciled my many theological struggles; but this one thing I know, unconditional love communicates the acceptance and mysterious message that God transcends human constructs.  It was in the midst of the comforting words my fellow chaplain brought to a woman who had just watched her premature baby die that I again arrived at the following conclusion; we are not called to ignore, minimize or theologize pain by giving answers where there are none.  Nor are we called to help others escape, deny or hide from the darkness that arrives at the most unexpected moments and in the most tragic of ways.  We are called to sit in the pain with those suffering and help them hold it; to be present and and to alleviate  some small portion of its weight. 

I recently heard a Kelly Clarkson song that resonated deeply of the truth that darkness is always present reality – a prophetic call asking if love can still be offered in the midst of it.  I believe that this is where both hope and healing lies. 

Oh oh oh, there's a place that I know
It's not pretty there and few have ever gone
If I show it to you now
Will it make you run away?

Or will you stay
Even if it hurts
Even if I try to push you out
Will you return?
And remind me who I really am
Please remind me who I really am

Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?

Like a diamond
From black dust
It's hard to know
What can become
If you give up
So don't give up on me
Please remind me who I really am

Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?

Don't run away
Don't run away
Just tell me that you will stay
Promise me you will stay
Don't run away
Don't run away
Just promise me you will stay
Promise me you will stay

Will you love me? ohh

Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?

Don't run away
Don't run away

Don't run away

Promise you'll stay 

Cynic or Realist?

Social networking –its existence brings with it a host of response. Some people love it – others absolutely despise it; yet regardless of where they fall on this continuum a huge percentage of the population is participating on it one way or another. I love social networking! I think its invention was a stroke of GENIUS. I am so grateful to those whose vision of a virtual community created an environment that allows for me to draw those I have loved from childhood and since onto one site. Life’s circumstance often separates us from those we never wanted or intended to lose touch with. These SN sites provide a way of reconnecting, restoring and re-engaging relationships that at another time would be forever lost. Attachment in all its various manifestations is always a plus in my book, so to Mark Zuckerburg and others like him I send you a hearty thank you.

With that said, what prompted this particular blog was an incident that occurred on a social networking site yesterday morning. As usual, I checked in and posted a quote picture that was cryptic in nature, but had tickled my funny bone. In the status directly following mine, someone posted a prayer for God to protect them from the toxins of cynicism. Now this could have been and most likely was a complete coincidence but, it caused me to reflect on how we, as humans; interpret, project and judge the meaning of sound bites that are commonly known as statuses. I try to be balanced and systematic in what I post. I understand that this is a public forum and I work to project myself in the same way I would any other public space. But, even with that intentionality there are risks taken when sending a message out into cyberspace. This experience had me once again ask myself what kind of picture are you painting of yourself. It also had me asking, am I a cynic?

The definition of a cynic is one who is distrustful of human nature and motives – one who believes that human conduct is motivated wholly by self-interest. I love people!!! I rarely struggle to find common ground during interpersonal encounters and like most. My current profession is the study of human nature and the ways in which it can be served, helped and healed. Several months ago during a conversation where relational frustrations were being aired, I shared that I had learned to live in the tension of having high hopes for people, but low expectations. For those in their twenties that seems like such an oxymoron, but once you have experienced enough disappointment in relationship, both facilitated and received; this paradox can be internally accepted without contradiction or anxiety. Life’s experience led me to internalize the reality that people are a mixed bag of dark and light, ambition and laziness, self-destruction and benevolence….theologically speaking humanity is defined as sin-filled and at the same time a beautiful reflection of the imago Dei (God’s image).

Actually, I think a dose of cynicism is healthy. Does possessing it preclude having high hopes –absolutely not. Seriously, why choose to enter into the people helping profession if the belief is that people are incapable of change? Nevertheless, change is rare and it often comes about at a snail’s pace. The investment made in another is a blind leap of faith with shifting outcomes rarely seen by those doing the investing. This is why the Scripture reminds its followers not to be weary in well doing. Yes it is true, human beings are self-serving. Even in our benevolence, we want to feel good about assisting others as well as serving God. If we approach helping situations without this understanding; at the very least we will be seen as naïve Pollyanna’s who are easily taken advantage of and/or not to be taken seriously. Or, at the worst hold unrealistic expectation that leads to repeated disappointment, weariness and eventual bitterness when the fruit of our labor is limited.

To the nameless individual who posted their prayer of protection; I say thank you for initiating another round of self-reflection leading me to process through these thoughts. I too send up a prayer - for an understanding that cynicism is not the antithesis to hope; and in the midst of much needed idealism the knowledge that a healthy dose of skepticism brings balance to one’s expectations.

To answer the question, am I a cynic? No….but I would say that I am a realist.

Hope

I recently had a conversation with a friend who responded following our dialogue, “I need to hear hope”.   Yes, it’s true I have been navigating a faith crisis, what some would call a Dark Night of the Soul.  My seminary experience challenged me to my core; relationally, theologically and emotionally exposing the buried shame, pain and questions of a traumatized past and defended by a religious system that promises what it was never intended to deliver.  As if this was not enough stress, my mom’s health failed and as some of you know she died less than two months ago.  Nevertheless, my friend’s statement had me seriously contemplating the definition of hope. 

I did what I initially do when I begin to ruminate; I pulled out my thesaurus.  Words like confident, expectant and optimistic jumped off the page…. secure, cheerful, content, undisturbed and upbeat challenged my current sensibilities.  So I moved on to the antonym section.  Discouraged, disheartened, dreary, gloomy and pessimistic are not terms that I would use to define my present attitude either.  I am grieving.  I am in pain over multiple losses which include my mom’s suffering and foreseeable death; the reality of deception both self and other driven; dreams deferred and deceased; time robbed that should have been spent building a career and family; and the sheer weariness of navigating a life long journey to restore health and hope.  Yes it’s true, I have spent the larger portion of my graduate career weeping, wailing and lamenting….. does that indicate that I am or have been without hope?

My answer is a passionate and emphatic no!  Hope is not solely an emotive expression or affirmative sound bite that offers shallow responses to wells of agony.  Hope is the human drive to survive… an instinct; a survival mechanism and an internal motivation to move forward when everybody and everything screams, ‘give up’.  Hope is intrinsic to being human – it is engraved on each individual’s heart and is primeval.  Hope is the motivation to continue to exist or function in spite of adversity.   It is something that propels me forward even when I can’t clearly see – it causes me to persist, ride out, carry on, endure and weather the storm.  At my lowest point, when hope’s vision was eclipsed, I had the word “Hope” tattooed onto my wrist.  The very act of doing the opposite of what my internal life screamed speaks to hope. 

Theologically I ask the question - was Jesus propelled by hope to endure the cross?  I am pretty sure that his countenance was not cheerful or upbeat.  I can confidently surmise that grief accompanied Christ’s journey to his crucifixion, yet it did not obscure the joy that was set before him.  I would say that my life has been and continues to be a testimony of hope.  I have had to fight against and endure obstacles that most, gratefully, will never have to.  I have had to persevere, to rise above conditions that would and has bankrupted others.   Yes, I may be experiencing a season of sorrow, but I can say with all confidence I do have hope......and so do you.   

My Fuller Journey

My trek through Fuller Theological Seminary is almost at an end. As I face the completion of my master’s program a whole host of emotion rises to the surface. I never imagined or anticipated the extraordinary journey I have experienced; the challenges I faced and the gift of a community consisting of some of the most amazing human beings I am humbled and grateful to call my teachers, my peers, my friends and my family.

What is it about Fuller that created an experience unlike that of other academic institutions? I’ve tried to answer that question with each prospective student I met over the past couple of years. Fuller is a seminary that chose the road less traveled – that of full academic liberty within the Christian context. They avoid the process of indoctrination, but instead support the challenging of and deconstructing of the student’s faith. Each scholar confronts theological inconsistencies, wrestles with life’s difficult questions, and discovers at their core who they are; as an individual and a faith community. This process allows for one to admit their doubts as well as own their remaining faith without apology.

To the institution I say thank you for being one of the few Christian establishments that has the courage to trust - to provide the freedom that allowed for me to critically analyze theology in all its various forms; drawing my own conclusions regardless of where it led - even when these assumptions fell outside of what some would define as conservative orthodoxy. Thank you for modeling what you teach – equality, diversity, and most of all faith. Thank you for being led by it first and foremost trusting that God’s Spirit is working in and among your student-body; and believing that I too can hear that still small voice leading me into all of God’s truth. In a religious system whose theology is often driven by fear, I have now internalized what it means to hold my faith without it.

I will be eternally grateful that you challenged my theological presuppositions, deconstructed my faulty assumptions and left me unsure of what I believe. I know my journey of reconstruction will be difficult, but the truths that remain are internalized in a way that no institution or individual will ever be able to censure again. To my many professors I say thank you for teaching me about God’s grace. Your willingness to meet me in the questions during the height of many crises taught me more than any attended lecture and reminded me that a journey of faith is just that – a journey and not a destination. Yours is a faith that I continue to seek after.

With a heavy heart I say goodbye to a group of people that have filled my life with so much love, acceptance and joy. My academic passage would not have been what it has been without the extraordinary community of students that attend Fuller. I am continually impressed by the quality of people I have been privileged to attend school with. Each and every one of you is beautiful beyond compare. Your talent, intelligence and strength of character never cease to amaze me. You touched my heart in deeply profound ways and I am so grateful for your curiosity, your willingness to listen and share yourselves; and most of all the unconditional love extended to me during some very difficult circumstances. You too modeled grace and I am changed for the better because I have known you. I am going to miss this collective group of people deeply, but I know you will profoundly touch many others in the same way you have touched me – from the bottom of my heart I say thank you and I love you.

A very special message goes to my inner circle. I don’t think I would be walking across that stage if it wasn’t for the commitment each of you repeatedly shows me. To my recovery peeps, ours is and continues to be a unique journey of faith. Unfortunately, our lives intersected with darkness in a way that many others have fortunately been spared. The commonality of this knowledge has made your friendship vital in ways not easily articulated, but silently understood. Thank you for your inner resilience and tenacious spirit that moves you to rise above the ashes – each of you inspire me to do the same. To the PhD student that will remain nameless, but knows who he is. Thank you for teaching me that strength can be found in vulnerability and it is worth the risk. Carenda – my covenant friend you are grace personified. When looking back on my time at Fuller you will be first and foremost in my mind as one who set aside everything to sit silently in places that required no words. Cameron – my kindred spirit, you boldly went where most men fear to tread. Your love and loyalty has forever changed me, thank you.

Goodbye Fuller and thank you for making God's grace so much more than an intellectual concept, but a moment by moment experienced reality.