Shame

Shame – crafty, scheming, devious and illusive - an emotion whose name alone conjures its own feeling like a witch calling forth an evil spirit.  It rises from the abyss to plunge its serrated edged dagger of self-loathing into the core of the soul; ripping open the victim’s self-image from the inside out and leaving their psyche trapped in its putrefied scent like the wanderer’s misstep into pitch.  With its prey firmly constrained it sinks its fangs of denigration into their character extracting all traces of self-worth, but never satisfied to leave one numb from the void. 

It resolutely attaches itself inside of the shadows hiding behind memories waiting like a street thug to strike at any hint of trauma’s echo.  Its elusive nature coerces its target to use its own voice against itself; compelling the bound to participate in its own demise like a victim at the mercy of its perpetrator.  With stealth like intimidation it attacks convincing the quarry its damaged goods leaving them indefensibly cloaked in an oppressive shroud of torment and driving them deep into the darkness dividing them from all that is good.

Shame is an aggressor skilled in treachery that prostrates the martyr at the altar of its deception exacting revenge and driving self-retaliation.  Shame promotes anguish, discharges sorrow, conceals dignity, hides self-worth; demanding allegiance to isolation’s depths.  Shame rejects all counsel, discards support, refuses the truth, snubs encouragement, disallows legitimacy and rebuffs love.  Shames goal is to eliminate pleasure, dissolve satisfaction, question integrity, induce agony and kill dreams.  It is a calculating, fraudulent, misleading enemy that oppresses, humiliates and threatens bent on destruction with the ultimate goal of dehumanizing its prey.   

Some capitulate to the idea that shame is inherent in the human condition, born out of humanities depraved nature well deserved in the face of its guilt.  LIES!!!!!!!!!!!  Perpetuating that perception binds shame's sufferer to the baseless belief that they are defective partnering with shames duplicitous satisfaction.  God’s testimony speaks to the cherished and distinctive nature of humanities essence; its creation a precious investment that testifies to his/her goodness and mercy.  Creatures whose worth is so deeply inherent that God nailed her/himself to a cross, not to appease Divine anger, but to solidify the profound legitimacy of his/her eternal acceptance, love and the priceless nature of one’s person-hood. 

Shame is the antithesis of acceptance and authenticity; the burial garment of hope born out of unimaginable helplessness and traumatizing pain.  Shame is the heaviness of sorrow draped over the heart's eyes obscuring the ability to see one’s authentic self in all their unique purpose and beauty. Shame is not an emotion that leads to life; but a tyrannical persecutor that intimidates, rejects, distorts and devours one’s capacity to be loved.    

Shame IS the Guardian of Darkness. 

Hope

I recently had a conversation with a friend who responded following our dialogue, “I need to hear hope”.   Yes, it’s true I have been navigating a faith crisis, what some would call a Dark Night of the Soul.  My seminary experience challenged me to my core; relationally, theologically and emotionally exposing the buried shame, pain and questions of a traumatized past and defended by a religious system that promises what it was never intended to deliver.  As if this was not enough stress, my mom’s health failed and as some of you know she died less than two months ago.  Nevertheless, my friend’s statement had me seriously contemplating the definition of hope. 

I did what I initially do when I begin to ruminate; I pulled out my thesaurus.  Words like confident, expectant and optimistic jumped off the page…. secure, cheerful, content, undisturbed and upbeat challenged my current sensibilities.  So I moved on to the antonym section.  Discouraged, disheartened, dreary, gloomy and pessimistic are not terms that I would use to define my present attitude either.  I am grieving.  I am in pain over multiple losses which include my mom’s suffering and foreseeable death; the reality of deception both self and other driven; dreams deferred and deceased; time robbed that should have been spent building a career and family; and the sheer weariness of navigating a life long journey to restore health and hope.  Yes it’s true, I have spent the larger portion of my graduate career weeping, wailing and lamenting….. does that indicate that I am or have been without hope?

My answer is a passionate and emphatic no!  Hope is not solely an emotive expression or affirmative sound bite that offers shallow responses to wells of agony.  Hope is the human drive to survive… an instinct; a survival mechanism and an internal motivation to move forward when everybody and everything screams, ‘give up’.  Hope is intrinsic to being human – it is engraved on each individual’s heart and is primeval.  Hope is the motivation to continue to exist or function in spite of adversity.   It is something that propels me forward even when I can’t clearly see – it causes me to persist, ride out, carry on, endure and weather the storm.  At my lowest point, when hope’s vision was eclipsed, I had the word “Hope” tattooed onto my wrist.  The very act of doing the opposite of what my internal life screamed speaks to hope. 

Theologically I ask the question - was Jesus propelled by hope to endure the cross?  I am pretty sure that his countenance was not cheerful or upbeat.  I can confidently surmise that grief accompanied Christ’s journey to his crucifixion, yet it did not obscure the joy that was set before him.  I would say that my life has been and continues to be a testimony of hope.  I have had to fight against and endure obstacles that most, gratefully, will never have to.  I have had to persevere, to rise above conditions that would and has bankrupted others.   Yes, I may be experiencing a season of sorrow, but I can say with all confidence I do have hope......and so do you.   

Solidarity

I should be sitting here finishing up my Matthew outline, but I can no longer in good conscience keep silent.  A good friend of mine and Christian brother has been navigating an extremely painful journey of healing; along with facing an astronomical crisis of faith while attending seminary.  He has been particularly transparent in the process; blogging for a wide variety of reasons.  Mainly to come to terms with questions that erupt from a place of such deep agony that only one who has been to hell and back can understand.  At the same time he has had the brave tenacity to often move against the tide of popular opinion; while at the same time holding onto a sliver of hope that maybe, just maybe; he will find a place of peace and encounter the God we as Christians are all so quick to protect.

I have respectfully watched him knowing that he has the resolve to do what most find difficult – to be publically vulnerable and transparent in the midst of internal torment.  Those who have not traveled a similar road cannot begin to comprehend the weight of shame carried by those who have suffered abuse in all its varying forms; and how that keeps so very many silent and hidden in plain sight.  For this friend to put himself in the firing line in the midst of this type of struggle is admirable to say the least and heroic in terms of his Christian faith.  It is his example that gave me the courage to open up to my own soul’s deepest darkest dwelling places; which had been encased in steel, in order to let the poisonous demons (for lack of a better metaphor) out into the light. 

Many of you are not aware of the traumatic past I have experienced and the journey of restoration I have been navigating since becoming a Christian.  Even now - especially now, I am choosing not to write about these experiences due to my own level of vulnerability, quest for healing and unanswered questions.  It is not that I have not shared my story with some – I have.  However there is a huge difference in reporting incidents and the gut wrenching experience of sharing the deepest emotions of what has been done to you.  The fragility and exposure is excruciating to say the very least.  I have spent the greater portion of the past school year in hours of torturous prayer, writing and sharing some of the most deeply held pain with the people I finally found safe enough to open myself up to; a blog subject in and of itself.

Those who have not faced crisis of epic proportions or lived with unbearable pain are blessed and have been spared….for now.  With that comes a naïve view of the world – one that platitudes and pat answers often satisfy.  No matter how hard one tries to step out of that place of innocence; through education and/or heartfelt sincere desire, one can never fully understand the solitary journey it is until they face their own dark crossroad.  This has me ask the question of why we talk at one another about experiences we know nothing about.  Why we are so quick to talk at all rather than listen and hear the cry of the broken heart?  At a particularly dark point in my journey I was railing at God, railing at the church and especially railing at the trite answers people had continually given me in response to my pain.  A friend of mine who had the fortitude to sit with me in that deeply black place validated my feelings by saying; ‘platitudes are words that don’t give room for brokenness’.  How healing those nine little words were.  What they said was, I hear you.  

I have watched some push back against my friend with what I perceive to be an agenda of furthering their own theological position/worldview rather than listening to his heart.  I know as one who has traveled the tumultuous road of restoration, being heard is much more healing than finding answers.  No one has a right to dictate the acceptable avenue one should take in order to process their personal pain, nor does anyone have a right to stand in judgment of decisions made in order to obtain healing.  Those who have not lived with intolerable burdens do not fully understand how isolating an experience it is.  The only two that have experienced this journey; know its unique obstacles are the sufferer and God - they should be the ones to determine what is in the best interest for deliverance.  I stand in solidarity with you brother as you make choices that bring healing to your soul.